ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
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As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I couldn’t afford an engagement ring so I just poured a can of spaghettios on her hand
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.