ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
You Might Also Like
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
i can’t wait that long
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot
Me, a sex machine: *sweating*
My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you