Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
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Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?
Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
I’ll never get picked for jury duty because I’d be the one on trial…..
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*