Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
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Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Derek: You wanna go out again some time?
Stephanie: Sure, name the date!
Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that