me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
You Might Also Like
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
first you must answer his riddles
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.