Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
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If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
WIFE: You can’t tell kids they’re grounded anymore
ME: Why not?
W: They weren’t our kids
M: You did see how badly they packed our groceries?
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.