me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
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Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Men at the supermarket are like fish in an aquarium. Silent, with no recollection of how or why they got there.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes