Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
You Might Also Like
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
My blood type is coffee.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again