me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
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We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
someone having a baby in the ‘90s: I’m pregnant, you’ll see it in 9 months.
someone having a baby since social media: rylington harverson punce, a future mountain mover, and barrier breaker, was born last night & the ground shook around us. 200k in his savings account already ❤️.
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]