me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
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I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Being cute just died. Men are going to want a woman that can catch a chicken now.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
when it’s time for me to follow thru with plans I agreed to
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.