Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
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Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
Is your posture perfect? Consider a life of crime. No one suspects the upright citizen.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
WHY would you be happy about this?
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-
me: I’m cold this is boring
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
ME: Sorry I was late.
FRIEND: What happened?
ME: *remembers spending all morning rolling slowly around in bed like a rotisserie chicken* I fell off a bridge.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
“I raised you better than that!!!!” you very obviously did not
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”