Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
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Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love