Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
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Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
This could be us but you eatin’
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
no one likes gloating
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
And to think on this day, one year ago, you were about to learn how precious toilet paper really is
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
I just heard “Hell’s bells on coconut shells” and I now have a new favorite answer to everything.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.