ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
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My 4yo asked for a skeleton to sleep in her room with her, in case you’re wondering the level of freak show I can inspire
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Twitter fine art
The Beatles: 🎶 lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song
Van Gogh: here you go
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”