Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
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Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[inventing eggnog]
Exec: Gag them, but festively.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting