Me: School tomorrow! Hahahaha!
Child: Work today and for the rest of your life.
Me: Dammit.
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I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
bathroom attendant: *gives me soap and paper towels*
me: thanks
bathroom attendant: *gestures at basket with dollar bills*
me: oh right *takes $3* thanks!
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.