Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
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Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Just saw a ‘Jesus 2020’ sign and I had no idea he was running
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.