Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
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Put a ring on it
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Bootstraps
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.