Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
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*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo