Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
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Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
