Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
You Might Also Like
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
man…im so hungry i could-
*i catch eye contact with a horse*
“you could what?”
*shows his gun*
i could.. eat a sandwich
“thought so.”
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”