Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
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I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.