Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
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I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
Me: I don’t care if schools open, you’re not going.
13: I am going! You’re not using this as an opportunity to live out your homeschool mom fantasies.
Me: Please. My fantasies involve boarding schools. Get over yourself.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.