Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
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WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I don’t really care who wins the elections as long as everyone had fun out there.
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
nothing prepares you for when your sweet sensitive gentle eight year old son calls you “bruh” for the first time
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.