me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
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The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone