Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
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Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?