me: [searching for the will to live]
will: I have a girlfriend
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You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
My wife is now fully vaccinated so [uses her as a human shield wherever we go]
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.