Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
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I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
The greatest Halloween decoration you’ll ever see
[Medusa plucking a tiny snake out of her chin]
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Terribly Tuesday.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
usher: bride or groom
me: just a guest
usher: no which are you here for
me: neither I’m married
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes