Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
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My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
One does not simply become a master of karate. First, you must accidentally walk into a spider web.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.