me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
Me asking everyone how they like their burger before I cook them all exactly the same
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
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