Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
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Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.
4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”