me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
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Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
The worst thing about the boom in restaurant deliveries is the normalizing of eating lukewarm food.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “cat”
ME: ok
JUDGE: incorrect
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
A dead goose is called a ghoost
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH