Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
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definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
Me, flirting😏
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
scared to check what name she chose
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”