Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
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Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
*removing hair clog from drain*
Well wookiee here
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?