ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
Friend: I hate frozen pizza
Me: I hate frozen pizza too. That’s why I put it in the oven for a bit before I eat it.
Friend:
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.