Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
“Hey dude, my eyes are up here, and over here, and over here too.”
-a potato
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.