Me: *sends myself a reminder text about an appointment*
Phone: *ding*
Me: Ooh, who’s texting me?
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I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Person: *falls in love with me*
Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.
Person: ok cool, never mind.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
🤣
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
When I said I liked it rough.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
Our credit card was stolen but
I decided not to report it ….The thief is spending less
than my wife did.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man