Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
You Might Also Like
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
synchronized noseblowing
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
welcome back
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.