Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
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Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.