Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
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#Caturday
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Challenge accepted.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
Why are they called bars and not alcohalls?
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision