Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
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Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’
Autocarrot sucks!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
In my thesis, I will demonstrate how it is possible to herd large, feverish deer into narrow passageways by playing the music of The Eagles. Welcome to the Hot Elk Alley Formula.
a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
Me: How’d you injure your back?
Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.