Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.

Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons

the only bumper sticker ill allow

Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America

[in hell]

me: *sad* why am I here?

satan: you’re a murderer

me: what? no I’m not

satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl

me: *blushing* aww

Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.

I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high

H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft

calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves

The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini

12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-

me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?

“What attracted you to our company?”

Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work

Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.

My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?

Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.

Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.

Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker

We need to put an American base on the sun