me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
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it’s bullshit that someone made a bowl out of wet dirt 30,000 years ago and now i have to load a dishwasher
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I just found out that my husband fills the dog’s water dish not from the tap, but from the fridge’s water purifier feature.
“She’d do the same for me”, he said.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
There are risks you take when camping: severe weather, wild animals, someone bringing an acoustic guitar
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.