@Home_Halfway HARRY POTTER: Alohamora
MORA: Aloha, Harry
@XplodingUnicorn Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
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@Home_Halfway 
@HousewifeOfHell My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
@daemonic3 [dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
@ashmensch [getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
@sween Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
@jrza206 Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
@Weird_Rash I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.
@iowahawkblog The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
@TheAlexNevil Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
@Amusitr0n [coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*