@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

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@HousewifeOfHell

My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.

@daemonic3

[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”

*dads go nuts*

“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”

[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD

@ashmensch

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

@sween

Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.

@jrza206

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

@Weird_Rash

I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.

@iowahawkblog

The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie

@TheAlexNevil

Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.

@Amusitr0n

[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*