Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
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[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
WIFE: Where are you off to?
ME: Shits & giggles.
WIFE: What?
ME: I’m gonna read funny tweets on the toilet.
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
“A wine please”
“Sir, this is McDonalds…”
“Okay, a McWine please”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Who really needs jetpacks, I want to be able to start over from my last save point
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff