me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
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I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
If I ever own my own company, the logo will be something majestic and exhilarating, like a tiger hang gliding.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely