me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
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By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
This is bullshit!
I asked for a “Happy Ending” at an Asian massage parlor, & now she’s dressed like Snow White, expecting me to marry her.
My boss says that I have some exciting new assignments coming, whoa buddy, I will be the judge of that.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
Close call…
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
No regrets in 2018
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.