Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
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“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
*sneaks condoms into the carts of fighting couples at the drug store
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
no!! no!!!!!!
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
obi-wan: anakin has turned to the dark side what should we do???
yoda: raise his son to murder him we could
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Hero horse inspires millions
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.