Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
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What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Who wants to be my Valentine?