me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
You Might Also Like
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
Netflix and awkward silence?
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.