Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
You Might Also Like
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.