Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
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{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
Getting married soon just need a spouse
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.