Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
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Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
Spotted in New Orleans.
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.