Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
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What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.